Friggin' classic

"NEW ORLEANS (AP) - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced on Monday that Super Bowl XLVII scheduled for Sunday, Feb. 3, in New Orleans has been canceled after he experienced what he called "an epiphany of conscience." 
In the absence of a title game, Goodell declared the New England Patriots this year's NFL champions. The commissioner's press conference followed a 3-hour meeting this morning with Patriots' owner Robert "Amos Alonzo" Kraft that Goodell said was in no way related to his decision to scrub the Super Bowl.
"After some serious thought, I decided I couldn't subject our fans and the public in general to two weeks of hype about the Harbaugh brothers and Ray Lewis," Goodell said to a stunned media throng at the NFL offices in New York City.
"I mean really. Have you seen the way Jim (Harbaugh) melted down on the sidelines yesterday when he didn't get the call he wanted?" continued Goodell. "If that had been my 2-year-old nephew acting like that, I would have expected him to be put in timeout until his behavior improved to at least the level of a pre-schooler."
As for John Harbaugh, Goodell could cite no untoward behavior in particular, but added there is a "general offensiveness" about the Ravens' coach's demeanor.
"Did you see the sneer he had on his face yesterday during the AFC championship game?" asked the commissioner. "Come on. He didn't have to do that. Poor Bill Belichick almost broke down in tears because he thought Harbaugh was going to be mean to him during the post-game handshake. That's not the image the NFL wants to portray."
As for Lewis, Goodell said he will be asking the Fulton County District Attorney's office to re-open the case against the Ravens' linebacker, who was acquitted of obstruction of justice charges stemming from a double-murder after the Super Bowl in Atlanta 14 years ago.
"Funny thing is, I had the white suit Ray was wearing that night in my closet all along," said Goodell, who was a top lieutenant to former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue at the time. "When Paul told me those red stains on the fabric were barbecue sauce, I believed him, but now I'm not so sure. It turns out Ray is a honey mustard kind of a guy. So there's still some evidence to be gathered." 
Asked if Kraft had any influence on his decision to cancel the Super Bowl, Goodell vehemently dismissed the suggestion.
"You media guys are just looking to take cheap shots at The Lord High Potentate of Professional Football ... er, Mr. Kraft, and it pisses me off," said Goodell. "Just because the guy who was the chief proponent of me getting this job suggested that I call off the game because his team isn't involved, you swine run for the gutter."