This is the first time I've written to you. Your predecessor had a drawer full of my letters, but until now I've not been concerned enough to contact you. I had something written down after the last three games of the NLCS last season, but I didn't end up sending it. Hey, it was your first year. You deserved a little bit of a pass.
So what's up? How's it going? Wait. Silly questions. We've all seen how it's going. Ever since you guys left St. Louis last Thursday, it's been sucky. We were all fat, dumb and happy after the Cardinals took two out of three from the Padres and swept the Phillies coming out of the All-Star break to go 25 games over .500. The playoffs were a lock. The division was practically a cinch. The Reds are too inconsistent. The Pirates can't hit for shit.
Then you got swept by the Braves. Hey, shit happens. They're a first place team, they were playing at home, their pitching is decent, the games were close, if a couple of calls go the other way, if a couple of hits drop in, blah blah blah. It was still OK. You were still in first because the Reds were getting clobbered out West and Pittsburgh lost two out of three to shitty Marlins. The Pirates' annual death walk had started. All you had to do was go to Pittsburgh this week and claim the body.
Then I don't know what the heck happened. Did you really have to start Westbrook on Monday? His testicles are the size of raisins anyway, but then you factor in he sucks on the road, and he's Pedro Alvarez's personal bitch. You had to know he was going to go out there and get lit up right away. The first inning of the first game was going to set the tone for the entire series, and you send out the baseball equivalent of the Tin Man. You had almost an entire week and then another off day a week ago Monday to set your rotation for this series. And you still sent Westbrook out there.
Then there was that double disaster on Tuesday. Game 1 never should have come to down to extra innings. You mean to tell me you can't get one lousy hit with RISP in nine at bats? Then you lost Yadi in Game 2, and the crap really hit the fan. Your guys looked dead. They wasted ABs. And you just stood there with a dumb look on your face like you were watching a movie in French without subtitles.
Then you threw away last night's game. Stopped playing once you got the lead. Hey, I know Marte was out at first, but bad calls are part of the game. Good teams use them for motivation. You went out there and asked questions of the umpire like you're Sgt. Joe Friday. It's OK to get pissed after he blows one. Throw your hat. Kick some dirt on him. Call him a cocksucker. You're not going to go to Hell. 
While you're reading, here are a couple more ideas. How about starting a runner once in awhile? Ever heard of a hit-and-run? And can someone tell Kozma he's not a power pull hitter. Geez-us. He tries to yank anything closer than six inches off the plate. Same thing with Freese. Beltran needs to stop chopping at breaking pitches in the dirt. He looks like a gay lumberjack when he swings at that crap. Craig needs to lay off fastballs that are six inches inside. Get Carpenter to start hitting line drives again instead of trying to club everything out of the park. Do you guys even talk about this shit during batting practice?
Feel free to share these suggestions with your coaching staff. They don't seem to be doing much anyway. I still haven't figured out what Mike Aldrete's role is. And if Lilliquist doesn't take off that warmup jacket in 90-degree weather, you're going to have to peel it off him at the end of the season. You've got to do something before you get to Cincinnati. Those blood-thirsty rednecks are going to cook you and eat you if you keep playing this way.
Warm regards.
Your friend,
Artie