PHOENIX (AP) - In a historic move, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced at today's owners' meetings that the Oakland Raiders have been relegated to the Canadian Football League.
The Calgary Stampeders, the reigning CFL champions, will take the Raiders' spot in the AFC West.
"Let's face it. The Raiders suck," Goodell said. "We don't even have to enact our vendetta policies against them anymore because they're so inept. They're bad, even without our help."
The Raiders have not had a winning record nor made the playoffs since 2002. Last season, they lost their first 10 games and finished 3-13. Had the Raiders remained in the NFL, the prospects for this season weren't going to be much better. Despite having $60 million in space under the salary cap going into this off-season, the Raiders could only sign a handful of free agents no one has ever heard of, and former Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder, who people only know because he stinks.
The previous off-season, Raiders' general manager Reggie McKenzie signed about a dozen aging free agents who haven't been any good since the start of the current millennium. For instance, Maurice Jones-Drew gained less than 100 yards before he finally calcified in week three and went on injured reserve.
"We were kind of waiting around to see what Reggie would do before we decided to relegate the Raiders," Goodell said. "When he screwed the pooch again, we figured we had to send them to Canada."
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper immediately issued a statement protesting the NFL's decision.
"Who the hell wants the Raiders?" an indignant Harper said. "They're going to suck in the CFL, too. If the Americans want to get rid of them, send them to South America or something."
Harper was a bit more optimistic when he was asked by the Canadian press if he believes peaceful cities with CFL teams will be overrun on a weekly basis by marauding hordes of visting Raiders' fans.
"Naaah. Most of 'em are on parole, so they aren't allowed over the border," Harper said. "Maybe we'll let a few of the ones who take their meds go to Montreal, where they'll blend in a bit more with those French weirdos, but that's it. There's no way we're letting them into the English-speaking parts of the country."
The vote to relegate the Raiders was 28-3, with the owners of the Broncos, Chiefs and Chargers opposed.
"Those were two easy wins we could count on every year," said John Elway, Denver's President of Football Operations. "I don't know how good this Canadian team that's replacing them is, but they've got to be better than the Raiders."
Raiders' owner Mark Davis' vote on relegation was officially recorded as an absention because he opted to eat lunch at a Hooters in Mesa rather than attend the meeting. Contacted by a reporter from an Oakland television station, Davis professed to be unaware and unconcerned that his team is being moved to a foreign country.
"I got a full plate of wings and I'm trying to eat here, so leave me alone, will ya?" Davis said.