artie_fufkin wrote:

APRTW wrote:

I am going Xmas shopping today and if that isnt bad enough the kids are come.  Sick kids at that.  And the one year old gets her shots this morning.  If I dont post here again it is because I killed myself.

Ask the kids' pediatrician for a day's worth of percocet. Not for them. For you.

It sucked but I managed not to jump in front of a bus.

tkihshbt wrote:

Poor AP.

I am not good at dealing with public melt downs.

Our youngest is pretty low key.  She is shy and doesnt fuss a whole lot.  The oldest is outgoing and when she is mad you know it.  It is like night and day.  She knows she can get away with pretty much everything with me.  She had an epic melt down and I left a cart full of stuff in the store and went to the car.  The rest of the day wasnt so bad.  God made women crazier then a pet coon but they have a gift for dealing with kids.

"they have a gift for dealing with kids."

I'm consistently amazed at how my wife - who grew up watching the worst possible role model for motherhood - has incredibly accurate maternal instincts.

artie_fufkin wrote:

Max wrote:

Today was the day we were supposed to buy our Christmas tree.  Wife woke up two hours late and said it was my fault for not telling her she needed to get up earlier.  While I cleaned and did all the chores waiting for the wife to wake up, the oldest daughter played on the internet, deciding to fix herself breakfast and get ready only AFTER her mom was up.  In the end we got the tree, but you better believe I was a serious asshole the whole day.

We all have days when our spousal mind-reading skills fail us, Max. I hope you apologized.

Hardly.  I waited for an apology from her.  Waking up late is OK, for any reason under the sun, but the intellectual dishonesty of blaming it on me is intolerable.

I have a new nightmare.  SNOW and people who cant drive in it.  Add wind and I wish I was in walmart with a cart full of junk, two screaming kids with loaded diapers and a nagging wife instead of directing traffic in a freaking blizzard.

This is the perfect place for my morning rant.  People in St. Louis CANNOT FUCKING DRIVE IN ANYTHING THAT REMOTELY RESEMBLES BAD WEATHER.

We had our first accumulation of snow over the weekend.  It wasn't a blizzard, and I doubt there was ever a risk that the Edward Jones Dome would collapse, but we had maybe an inch.  The overall weather sucked, mind you.  It was/is near 0 degrees and the wind has been blowing about 30 mph, but no one would ever confuse the current conditions for a blizzard.  Despite this, my normally 20 minute drive to work took over an hour.  Why, you ask?  Because the highway is filled with a bunch of non-driving mother fuckers.

Artie already divided these people into two groups, but within these groups, you have to create several sub-groups.  Among those who make no accommodation are the completely clueless.  Perhaps it's their first time driving in the snow or perhaps they are too stupid to walk and breathe without working up a sweat, but whatever the case, these people have no business behind a streering wheel.  Within this classification you will find the high school student I watched do a 720 after trying to beat a red light in order to make a left turn.  Here's a fucking hint--when you try to make a left turn at 40 mph on icy roads, your Tercel is going to continue going straight regardless of which way you turn the steering wheel.  You'll be better off simply waiting for the red light to change back to green...you will still get to school faster than you will after you are forced to abandon your car in the ditch it will eventually end up in and you have to walk the rest of the way.  Trust me, you need all the class time the school makes available.

The next subgroup among those who make no accommodation for the weather are the morons who believe that simply because they own an SUV, they are now immune from the weather.  Four wheel drive is helpful in bad weather, but it is still possible to lose control.  Zig-zagging in and out of traffic on the highway at 65 mph probably isn't a good idea.  No worries though, roadside assistance should be able to help dig your car out of the pile of plowed snow by Wednesday.

Then there's the group who apparently aren't smart enough to understand a very simply concept--ICE IS SLIPPERY!!!!!  It isn't a good idea to follow 5 feet behind the car in front of you when the roads are dry, but it's fucking idiotic when the roads are slick.  I'd like to give a particular shout out to the moron who hit the Laclede Gas truck this morning.  Apparently the big bright yellow box truck with the flashing yellow lights and the bright orange work cones wasn't very visible.  At least that's the story I'm sure you'll be telling the insurance company when you have to explain why the front end of your car is now only 8 inches from the dash board.

Artie forgot one other group of particularly annoying drivers, although these people exist both in and out of the snow.  These are the useless sacks of shit that bring traffic to a stand-still because they have to stop and look at the fender-bender.  It's a fucking traffic accident people.  No one died.  Shit, no one was even hurt.  But you have to stop, take a picture, post it on facebook and send a fucking twitter message letting all of your friends know that you drove past an accident.  Fucking bully for you.  I'm sure the Noble committee is busy circulating a re-vote to celebrate your world-saving achievement.  Here's an idea--KEEP FUCKING DRIVING.

But even the morons who stop and gawk are better than the sub-human mother fuckers who are so busy trying to catch a glimpse at the accident that they fail to notice that the car in front of them is doing the same thing.  Just what the world needed, another accident at the original accident site.  Hey, at least the police are already there.  I'm sure they'll be thrilled to help your stupid ass.  If the Supreme Court ever decides to extend the death penalty beyond murder, I nominate the people who rear end the car in front of them because they're too busy looking at an accident.  Clearly society will be a lot better off without them.

Whew.  I feel a little better now.

Last edited by forsberg_us (12/13/2010 11:20 am)

Oh, one more. The guy who is aware of the construction lane closure ahead from the signs, the flashing lights and the phalanx of orange cones, but speeds ahead anyway to the last possible point where he can merge, and then squeezes his way into traffic. He doesn't want to wait. He's special, and he needs to get where he's going faster than everyone else.
But late-merge guy still isn't as special as the guy who illegally drives in the breakdown lane. Breakdown lane guy is REALLY important.
One of my more memorable driving moments was the afternoon my buddy and I were stuck on Route 93 in traffic, and a 3-car column - consisting of a BMW, a Range Rover and a Mercedes - go screaming past us in the breakdown lane. About a half-mile later, we came upon the same trio of cars ... pulled over on the side of the road by a state cop. There was a lot of laughter and pointing at Biff, Tripp and Spaulding that day, I can tell you.

"The worst traffic hijinx I've ever seen is allowed and legal in California."

The first time you drove in L.A., what did you make of the traffic signals at the end of the highway on-ramps? We blew through about a half-dozen before we figured out the DMV hadn't put them there by mistake.

I doubt many of you get to enjoy the "good samaritan" driver.  He waits all year for winter so that he can get his four-wheel drive Ford Ranger out and attemp to pull trucks twice as big as his.  Once he pulls up he says is "I's got a tow rope" like it is a special piece of equipment.  Then he pulls his truck into on coming traffic but he is okay because of the yellow flashing light on his roof (that I am pretty sure is not legal) and attemps to dig a hole in the snow to get to the burried car.  This type of driver will ignore actual tow trucks having trouble pulling people out because he has got to get all the use out of his 4-wheel drive as he can. 

I am not make his guy up.  There was several of them out last night.  They look at you puzzled when you tell them to go home.  We only got 3 inches of snow but if you were out at 8pm last night you would have sworn that you were on the tundra.

APRTW wrote:

I doubt many of you get to enjoy the "good samaritan" driver.  He waits all year for winter so that he can get his four-wheel drive Ford Ranger out and attemp to pull trucks twice as big as his.  Once he pulls up he says is "I's got a tow rope" like it is a special piece of equipment.  Then he pulls his truck into on coming traffic but he is okay because of the yellow flashing light on his roof (that I am pretty sure is not legal) and attemps to dig a hole in the snow to get to the burried car.  This type of driver will ignore actual tow trucks having trouble pulling people out because he has got to get all the use out of his 4-wheel drive as he can. 

I am not make his guy up.  There was several of them out last night.  They look at you puzzled when you tell them to go home.  We only got 3 inches of snow but if you were out at 8pm last night you would have sworn that you were on the tundra.

A good samaratin in Massachusetts is a driver who goes around pedestrians in a crosswalk instead of running them over.

artie_fufkin wrote:

APRTW wrote:

I doubt many of you get to enjoy the "good samaritan" driver.  He waits all year for winter so that he can get his four-wheel drive Ford Ranger out and attemp to pull trucks twice as big as his.  Once he pulls up he says is "I's got a tow rope" like it is a special piece of equipment.  Then he pulls his truck into on coming traffic but he is okay because of the yellow flashing light on his roof (that I am pretty sure is not legal) and attemps to dig a hole in the snow to get to the burried car.  This type of driver will ignore actual tow trucks having trouble pulling people out because he has got to get all the use out of his 4-wheel drive as he can. 

I am not make his guy up.  There was several of them out last night.  They look at you puzzled when you tell them to go home.  We only got 3 inches of snow but if you were out at 8pm last night you would have sworn that you were on the tundra.

A good samaratin in Massachusetts is a driver who goes around pedestrians in a crosswalk instead of running them over.

Apparently my wife would fit in perfectly in Massachusetts. She sent me a text about 45 minutes ago that she accidentally "bumped" a woman while she (my wife) was backing out of a parking spot.

The woman refused medical attention, but I just know that by tomorrow she'll be in the hospital in critical fucking condition.  Knowing my wife, I'm sure she said something brilliant to the police like "I don't know how I didn't see her, well except for the fact that I was talking on the phone, sending a text and looking for a piece of gum in my purse, all while I was backing up." Not that it matters much. Not many pedestrian v. car accidents end up with the pedestrian at fault.

This week has started off just fucking perfect.