artie_fufkin wrote:

ST. LOUIS (AP) - Cardinals' pitcher Kyle McClellan was placed on the 15-day disabled list on Wednesday, a day after he was sodomized by the St. Louis bullpen.
Manager Tony LaRussa said he watched McClellan in the clubhouse shower after Tuesday's game and noticed "a hitch in his giddyup." McClellan pitched seven mostly sensational innings and left with a 2-1 lead, only to see the Cardinals' bullpen implode once again, yielding nine runs in the eighth inning of a 10-2 loss to the Phillies at Busch Stadium.
In a related move, the Cardinals released their entire bullpen on Wednesday, and announced all starting pitchers will be expected to pitch complete games, regardless of performance or fatigue.
"How can the starters going nine be any worse than what our bullpen is given us?" said Cardinals' first baseman/outfielder Lance Berkman. "I mean really. Thank god we let Miguel Batista go. If I had seen that friggin' guy come in to a game and not throw strikes one more time, I would have borrowed a shovel from the grounds crew and bashed in his skull."
Should a game go into extra innings, pitching coach Dave Duncan said a position player will be chosen to pitch on the basis of a rock/paper/scissors competition.
"We thought about buying a Magic 8-Ball to determine who we'd send out there, but those things cost about 20 bucks now and there's no way Mr. DeWitt would approve that kind of expense," said Duncan.
To replace McClellan in the rotation, the Cardinals initially tried to call up Lance Lynn, but he opted to stay in Memphis.
"Do you think I'm crazy?" said Lynn. "I ain't goin' up there to wreck my arm."
Barney Schultz, 84, and out of the major leagues since 1965, was signed and is expected to start in McClellan's place when the Cardinals face the Toronto Blue Jays on Sunday.
"A guy who throws a knuckleball doesn't need to build up a lot of arm strength, even at Barney's age," said LaRussa. "Besides, he's a little senile, so all we really had to tell him was we'd give him a free ride on the Budweiser Wagon if he showed up. It turns out Barney is really fond of clydesdales." 
Asked if the poor performance of the bullpen was a sign of his own incompetence, Cardinals' general manager John Mozeliak said the media is sensationalizing the issue.
"Certain people in the press tend to focus negative things, which is a little bit appalling," said Mozeliak. "So we've blown a late inning lead what, maybe 13 or 14 times? We're a half-game out of first place. The suggestion that we'd have a comfortable 6 or 7-game lead at this point if we'd gotten any sort of reasonable performance from our bullpen is wildly speculative. But I suppose it sells newspapers."