Another Artie gem

artie_fufkin wrote:

Apologies for not getting this message to you sooner. We've had some trouble trying to correctly spell Rzypcyn ... Rzezpcin ... Rezezpchin ... Rumplestiltskin ... whatever.
In any event, this was supposed to be a ransom note informing you that we had kidnapped your entire bullpen after Game 1 of the NLDS and were going to hold them hostage until the Cardinals paid us some inordinate sum of cash.
But given the way the bullpen has performed since we absconded with them, it's obvious you've hired another bullpen crew, probably from a team not in the playoffs (the Giants?) and had them undergo extensive plastic surgery.
Good move, sir. But now we, the kidnappers, are kind of in a quandary. We hate these guys. Boggs keeps running around trying to execute the "Pull My Finger" trick, and we're constantly having to change Rhodes' adult diapers. It's costing us a prince's fortune. We all think he's got some kind of bowel problem that should be checked out by a doctor.
Dotel and Salas think they're in the Banana Spilts, and they keep arguing about which one of them is Drooper and which one is Fleegle, and everyone here is sick of them singing that damn theme song. And Motte is just weird. Really weird. Shirley MacLaine weird.
We've told them on several occasions in the past few days they're free to go, but they just won't leave. So, we're prepared to pay YOU the sum of $1 million if you come and pick them up, and bring them home. Or dump them in a river. We don't care. Obviously, you don't need to put them back in your bullpen. You seem to be doing just fine without them. But we can't stand being around these guys for another minute.
Sincerely,
The Kidnappers