Dec. 2, 2011 - Marlins sign FA closer Heath Bell to 3-year, $27 million contract
Dec. 5, 2011 - Marlins sign FA shortstop Jose Reyes to 6-year, $106 million contract
Dec. 7, 2011 - Marlins sign FA pitcher Mark Buehrle to 4-year, $58 million contract
Dec. 10, 2011 - Marlins sign FA pitcher C.J. Wilson to 6-year, $126 million contract
Dec. 12, 2011 - Marlins sign FA third baseman Aramis Ramirez to 12-year, $200 million contract
Dec. 14, 2011 - Marlins sign FA first baseman Prince Fielder to 35-year, $500 million contract
Dec. 15, 2011 - Marlins sign FA first baseman Albert Pujols to 100-year, $2.5 billion contract
Dec. 16, 2011 - Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen spits in eye of Miami Herald reporter who dares to ask him if Pujols or Fielder will start at first base
Dec. 17, 2011 - Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez requests trade. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria exiles Ramirez to Elba instead.
Dec. 18, 2011 - MLBN commentator Kevin Millar opens episode of "Intentional Talk" by reiterating his prediction Marlins will finish 3rd in NL East; 4th if Nationals call up Bryce Harper before Sept. 1. Millar spends remaining 59 minutes and 44 of show imitating fart noises.
Dec. 19, 2011 - Forbes Magazine reports Marlins' payroll is now greater than gross national product of every Central American country except Costa Rica.
Dec. 21, 2011 - Pujols buys entire island of Hispanola and renames it "Pujolsland."
Dec. 22, 2011 - Loria stabs USA Today reporter who dares to ask "Where's the money coming from to pay all these players?"
Jan. 17, 2012 - Loria announces ticket holders will have to pay $50,000 nightly "cover charge" and agree to a 16-drink minimum to enter Marlins Ballpark.
Feb. 22, 2012 - Marlins pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training in Jupiter, Fla. Wilson and Buehrle get into heated argument about whose Bentley has more amenities.
Feb. 25, 2012 - Rest of Marlins report to Spring Training. Reyes and Fielder fined $100 for being late due to exchange of handshakes in parking lot that lasts a half-hour.
March 6, 2012 - Marlins open Grapefruit League season by beating Detroit, 17-1. Lone Detroit run scores on passed ball by Fielder. Guillen bites reporter from Detroit Free Press in thigh who asks him if having to play Fielder at catcher is a defensive liability.
March 31, 2012 - Marlins wrap up undefeated exhibition season with 27-0 win over Mets.
April 1, 2012 - Millar maintains prediction of Marlins finishing in 4th place; 5th if Mets' first baseman Ike Davis can stay healthy. Millar spends remaining 59 minutes and 51 seconds of show screaming "GOT HEEEEM!!" over Spring Training defensive highlight reel.
April 4, 2012 - Marlins open regular season with 31-2 win over Cardinals at in front of full house at Marlins Ballpark.
April 13, 2012 - Marlins defeat Astros, 52-6, in front of just 8,564 fans at Marlins Ballpark. Marlins president David Samson blames poor attendance on "the first nice beach day of the year."
July 8, 2012 - Marlins defeat Cardinals, 63-1, to head into All-Star break with 88-2 record.
Aug. 15, 2012 - Marlins defeat Phillies, 77-2, to clinch first NL East title in team history. Reyes celebrates by taking rest of regular season off and moving to Branson.
Oct. 3, 2012 - Marlins defeat Mets, 84-0, to finish regular season with record of 154-8.
Oct. 4, 2012 - Millar predicts Marlins will win World Series, then spends final 59 minutes and 55 seconds of show imitating bird noises.
Oct. 6, 2012 - Giants stun Marlins, 1-0, behind 2-hitter from Tim Lincecum in Game 1 of NLDS.
Oct. 7, 2012 - Giants defeat Marlins, 3-2, in front of 7,834 fans at Marlins Ballpark. Samson blames poor attendance on conflict with Arena League Football game in Orlando.
Oct. 9, 2012 - Giants finish off NLDS sweep of Marlins with 5-2 win, at San  Francisco. In post-game interview, Guillen throws rotten papaya at reporter from Fresno Bee who asks if he thinks team underachieved.
Oct. 10, 2012 - Securities & Exchange Commission announces indictments of Loria and Samson in wake of stadium deal. Loria puts reporter from Washington Post in Figure Four Leglock after reporter asks if allegation that team bribed country officials with Monopoly money is true.
Oct. 11, 2012 - Loria begins purge of roster by selling Pujols, Reyes, Wilson, Fielder and Ramirez to New York Yankees.

Last edited by artie_fufkin (12/08/2011 10:11 am)